A Drunken Visit with Kat Nove
Today I will be reviewing Kat Nove's book If I Can't Wave Like A Princess I Must Be A Loser. But first a treat. Kat is in the house! The tequila is flowing so be prepared. I had set out a nice little spread of dainty teacakes and cucumber sandwiches with tea. Okay I am lying. I do not drink tea and right now the closest you are getting to teacakes in my house is some Samoan Girl Scout Cookies, (thank you to all the Girl Scouts who sell these wonderful cookies every year at the local Fred Meyers). So for this monumental meeting I set out Coronas with lime and salt and Ceviche Tostada Chips (just top a bunch of tortilla chips with a bit of ceviche and swoon from the deliciousness). Kat walked in with Patrón. It went uphill from there. Or downhill. Depends on the moment.
Me: Hi Kat! Come on in and get comfortable.
Kat: Wow! your house looks nice and clean.
Me: Yeah I cleaned it just for you. Had I known what a true slob you are I wouldn't have bothered. And just why are you such a slob? Your spare room sounds horrifying.
Kat: Why do you care? It’s not like I’m ever going to invite you over.
Me: That’s pretty rude.
Kat: No, it’s not. I've made it perfectly clear that visitors must sign off on my guidelines. You’re way too big a flake to sign off and return the form.
Me: I would have signed the stupid form if I remembered where I put it. Since I had to do this big cleaning job it is now in the garbage. Where it belongs. By the way, do you know it is legal to shoot rude guest in Alaska?
(Disclaimer: I made this up. You cannot randomly shoot people in Alaska no matter how much they may deserve it ...but she might not know this).
Once we were settled we started talking about her obsession with Johnny Depp which is clearly apparent to anyone who has read If I Can't Wave Like A Princess I Must Be A Loser. As she spoke about John I began to wonder if she had been drinking before she arrived or was just delusional. If you think I am lying wait until read her book. Then Kat said something that almost made me drop my Corona.
Me: Wait a minute. Let me get this clear. Are you saying you do not want to have sex with Johnny Depp? After all the space you gave him in your book?
Kat: That’s exactly what I’m saying. I think he’s quite possibly the best actor living and he seems to be a genuinely fabulous human being, but even if he had hundred dollar bills taped to his oh-so-perfect body, I have no interest in having sex with him. I am interested in the hundred dollar bills though.
Me: What on earth could account for your attitude? Even straight guys want to do Johnny Depp.
Kat: I’m deeply committed to my menopause.
Me: Okay. I guess I get that. I also would not do John. His brother, (writer Daniel Depp), though could probably spin some story that would have me in another world allowing him to get his desire met. If he has desire. They are age 40+ guys . Their desire may be to have control of the remote and smoke while playing video games, (he could get that, too). Seems to be a universal guy thing.
Note: No one should not be upset about this as I am absolutely positive Johnny Depp does not want me either.
Note: No one should not be upset about this as I am absolutely positive Johnny Depp does not want me either.
Speaking of sex, I can’t believe you got stuck to a wiener dog. Other than on porn sites, I've never heard of that happening.
Kat: I can’t believe you go to porn sites where people are stuck to dogs. That’s sick!
Me: Actually it was on television. SP as you know Kat, is in total control of the remote. By the way nice flipping of the subject.
(I cannot say SP's name as he has threatened me with dire consequences if I do. I must admit I almost want to say it just to know what they are)
Me: Okay so you are not going to talk about it. How about telling us what the headline would say, if you were written about in the newspaper and it was on the front page?
Kat: KAT WRITES PURRFECT BOOK. Hey, it’s a stupid headline, but I can’t be held responsible for the dumbing down of America.
Me: I actually was thinking more along the lines of Writer Kat Nove Tells All - Family Sues!
I would sue you if I were your family. Guess you lucked out with people who love you.
Me: I can't help but think about your adventures with Jeni Decker. After reading If I can't Wave Like A Princess and the two Waiting for Karl Rove Books, I am interested to know what you think would be a fitting epitaph on your gravestone? I am of course not saying that Jeni Decker is going to get you killed on a road trip.
Kat: KAT NOVE – SHE DIED IN POVERTY SO GRAVE ROBBERS MOVE ALONG
Me: Wow! I think that one would work for me too, with the name changed of course. Speaking of death, I need to ask you about your recent head spinning and pea soup spitting episode. If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
Kat: First of all, I don’t have an exorcist. Second of all, I can’t afford to pay anyone because I work retail. Finally, a demon would have to be pretty lame to possess someone who doesn't even believe in his boss. And for the record, even if a demon possessed me, I still wouldn't believe in his boss. Yes, I’m THAT stubborn.
Me: That explains a lot. Just saying. So then if aliens landed in front of you and offered you any position on their planet, what position would you want?
Kat: CEO of Lactose Tolerant Milky Way Ice Cream.
Me: Thanks a lot. Now I will wake suddenly in the night and want ice cream with Milky Way bars. Carrying on with our paranormal theme here, what happens if Batman gets bitten by a vampire?
Kat: Well, it’s not as if he could become any more angst-filled, so I imagine he would get Lucius Fox to build him a light-resistant coffin which doubles as a submarine, sauna and spaceship. Then he could fight crime and relieve stress during the day. Oh, wait. He never fought crime during the day anyway. I'm not sure if he relieves stress during the day. Or how he relieves stress. I'm thinking daily happy endings at exclusive massage parlor. Anyway, I think my point it that Batman is nocturnal no matter what. Now why don't you ask me if Aquaman has ever made out with an octopus or if the Flash is even capable of thinking of baseball while having sex. Damn! I bet he's disappointed a LOT of women. Never mind.
Me: Since you seem to have superior knowledge of super heroes, please tell us why do all the superheroes wear underpants on the outside?
Kat: Because the inside is where they stash their penises and/or vaginas.
Me: Well you have quickly finished off a bottle of Tequila. Not implying anything by that. Maybe this is the time to ask you if it is true cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Kat: No, it’s because polyester and pierrot whiteface tastes like shit.
Me: I do not even want to know how you know what that taste like. Back to If I Can't Wave Like A Princess, you devote a section to Scarlett and Rhett from Gone With The Wind. This could make you the go to person for the causes of the Civil War. In your opinion, what were they?
Kat: The South becoming a crop economy, States rights vs. Federal rights, nullification, slavery, and the election of Abraham Lincoln. Frankly, you could have Googled the answer to this question, but far be it from me to criticize my interviewer.
Me: Just trying to pump up your intelligence. Let's face it, ( I noticed this while reading your books), you have made some decisions that have called your intelligence into question. Let me try again. Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa beans, and all beans are a vegetable?
Kat: It’s not a vegetable? I call bullshit on that and will keep eating the recommended four servings of vegetables a day.
Me: Thank you for verifying that. I will also continue to eat the recommended amount daily. One last shot at your intelligence. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced as onety one?
Kat: Because Noah Webster was a humorless asshole.
Me: I read your book and made note that you left something out. The infamous incident of 2006. Does it still haunt you? You know. THAT incident. I will not name it as it could cause a reaction that I am not willing to deal with. However, your readers do want to know. They have "enquiring minds".
Kat: I never even think about it. Unless I see a nurse. Or a doctor. Or a hospital. Or an ambulance. Or a scalpel. Or any sharp object. Or a commercial for antibiotics. Or a plumber bending over. Or a nuclear power plant meltdown.
Me: Okay I can see you winding up, (though it is debatable if the cause was the question or your drunken state). Leave my dog alone! How about you just entertain us Remote Control Terrorist style.
(Readers Remote Control Terrorist is Kat's SO. He cannot be named either.)
Kat; I’m juggling cats. Can you see me? Oh, shit. Who says cats always land on their feet? And do cats even have feet? Why don’t we say cats always land on their paws? Okay, enough juggling. (Say the cats.) Now I’m dancing.
Kat: I’m the one in the lemon chiffon outfit. I’m a really good dancer. No, make that a really great dancer. Baryshnikov, eat your heart out and then come over and sit on my lap. Kat has something to show you. Cristina, Mikhail has requested that you avert your eyes during this portion of the interview. Cue the completely unrelated short foreign film.
Me: Okay you have redeemed yourself with the last video. Remote Control Terrorist enjoys some interesting entertainment. I like Om Shanti Om though I question the cat juggling. Due to RCT's entertainment choices, it is iffy on whether or not I request that silly form to visit you again. While Kat entertains Mikhail I will write up the review.
Oh look. She is passed out… I think my dog just peed on her.
(Disclaimer: Readers, I would never have permitted her to juggle some poor innocent animal and she is way too drunk to get up from the sofa so the juggling did not happen ..at my house anyway.)
If I Can't Wave Like a Princess, I Must Be A Loser is a slice of Kat Nove's life. As I have come to expect from Kat Nove much of it is humorous. I can count on laughing hard when I read her writings, be it a book or her blog. I really enjoyed reading If I Can't Wave Like A Princess as it presented so many windows into Kat Nove. This book is a mixture of sarcasm, humor, pain, and love. It is truly a slice of life. I recommend it though it is not for the easily offended. If you made it this far, you are definitely the type who would love this book. Go check it out.
If you are still not convinced I will share a couple of excerpts from 'If I Can't Wave Like A Princess I Must Be A Loser'.
Conversation with Richard - Losing Track of Who Starts the Guilt Trip (Part 2)
“You realize I’m almost sixty, don’t you?”
“Rolling his eyes, Richard said, “Oh, yeah.”
“Don’t worry, I’ll be dead soon and you can find a younger girlfriend.”
Richard snorted and said, “I don’t have to wait until you’re dead to do that.
This hasn’t happened to me… yet.
"Why'd you do it?" he asked.
He must be the good cop; the grandfatherly one. Too bad he didn't know my grandfather ran away to become a Somalia pirate when I was only two.
I maintained my stony silence.
"Are you sure you understand your rights?" he continued. “You're entitled to a lawyer."
"I hate lawyers."
"Fair enough. Who doesn't? So, are you going to tell us why you did it?"
I gave him the look of contempt he deserved.
"I've had it with her, Hank," the other cop snarled. “Give me five minutes alone with her and she'll talk."
Ah, the bad cop; younger, better looking, surly and totally without charm. Under normal circumstances, just my type.
"Calm down, Sarge. You act like I killed your grandmother. How about giving me a cigarette?” He leaned over the table until our noses were almost touching. A vein pulsed in his forehead. He did have lovely eyelashes though.
"You psycho bitch! You did kill my grandmother! I live… lived with her."
Oops! Talk about irony.
"All I can say is she deserved killing."
Okay, maybe that was the wrong thing to say, seeing as how it took Grandpa Cop about five minutes to remove Sgt. Takes Things Too Seriously’s hands from my throat.
“I’ll talk. I'll talk. Just keep this son of a bitch and his Oedipal complex off me."
"So go ahead, Ms. Nove," Grandpa Cop wheezed. I'd say the Krispy Kremes might have had a deleterious effect on his ability to pull the mama's boy off me.
"Let me think. It all started in the first grade, when Johnny McDougall showed me his penis in the back of the school bus."
"Okay, Miss Smart Ass. I'm going to let Gene have another go at you."
"Fine. It really started about an hour before my lunch hour. Literally. My period started; and according to God's master plan, I had to be out of tampons. Menopause was a distant memory to my female co-workers, so no help there. This meant a trip to the ladies room and the pleasant feel of wadded up toilet paper. Which, I might add, is slightly less effective than wishing on a star in broad daylight that Johnny Depp will be waiting for me at home, naked and lying on a five-foot pile of hundred dollar bills.”
I assume that by now alert readers has noticed all the Johnny Depp references. For the record, menopause has insisted I don’t care about sex anymore, but I’m hoping Mr. Depp will hear about all the times I've mentioned him in a flattering way and buy 500,000 copies of this book. Now back to being interrogated.
Disclaimer: In case you are under the mistaken belief I typed all that, I must say it was copied from my Kindle. I also purchased this book. The opinions expressed are mine and I received no compensation for the review or interview. Kat Nove drank all my booze and passed out on my sofa for free.
Actually Kat Nove wrote her answers from Texas while I wrote the rest from Juneau Alaska. Had she came to visit me we both would have been looking for bail money and quite possibly had been arrested in Wasilla.
Look for these books by Kat Nove:
Check out her blog at http://katnovian.com/
Other places to find her are:
I hope you had as much fun getting to know Kat Nove as I did. She is a funny and cool lady who happens to be a gifted writer.